Getting Real and Raw - Part One

Have you ever been ask the question "How far back in your life do you first remember?"

I can remember a little girl walking through a gate, down a sidewalk, out in to the middle of the street seeing something really large moving then knocking her to the ground. A mother running towards the street picking up that little girl, spanking and shaking her to have another women grab the child, "yelling what are you doing?" The little girl remembers being in the E.R. scared, crying with cuts on her knees being gently wiped clean.






For me, this is that little girl, nearly two, the age I remember, the one I can recall first in my mind. I remember that little girl scared, "wondering why is mommy hitting me?" I just feel down after being hit by that big thing. Luckily, the car had just tapped me, knocked me over and stopped. I was told the woman who grabbed me was actually driving the car.

I can picture that house so well in my mind. We only lived there 6 years after I was born, but, there are quite of few memories in that house from that moment on....some good, others well, I only know my grandmother (on my father's side) did NOT like my mother, nor did she like grandma. They were always yelling at each other. I also know grandma was a blast, always dressing up for Halloween, it made mom angry to the point she would kick grandma out of the house.

I don't recall how Dad reacted to Mom kicking grandma out. I don't really remember much of Dad back in those days. Probably due to mom being home all the time. Stay at home mom's where big back in the 50ties.

This my very first experience of finding my way to being happy and content, picking up this picture starring closely at that little girl, wrapping my right hand around the picture and said "It was okay, I understand now why she spanked me, shook me like she did." Even though she never said why, I can see now the look in her eyes in that moment, scared too death of what she would find running out the door. It all made sense. I held that picture looking at that little girl like I had never seen her before, I said, " It's okay, I love you sweet one."

In that moment, I closed my eyes and saw her like I never did before, standing wrapped around my legs. I could feel her hugging me back. I let go of what the picture represented and saw her for the very first time, smiled and said hey you, look how far we came, amazing isn't it! But hang on, that little knock to the ground was nothing compared to what was about to come..........until tomorrow, Pamela

Nocturnal You Say

I found a lovely blog earlier tonight, left a comment way late and was so happy I found them. I realized awhile back I am nocturnal and fought it most of my life. Having to explain myself, my sleep pattern to people. It drove me crazy!

Back then the latest I went to bed when raising the kids was 3 a.m. still getting up in time to send them off to school, and then crawl back in to bed. Yes, husband worked during the day, of course little do they know so do stay at home mom's.

I did manage to get done what was needed for the kids and kept pretty much a clean house. I just always had to explain why I went back to bed and got up after the noon hour. I mean come on who cared anyway! No one was home, yet it seemed to bother those around me, of course, making me miserable. Feeling as though something was terribly wrong with me.

I did this most of my life, then one day I had an Ah ha moment when someone ( I will tell you who in my Getting Real and Raw series) told me I didn't fit the normal everyday person. I mean come on someone has to do jobs at night while others are sleeping. Hello, the world doesn't just shut down! I know, I know, shut up you weren't working or was I? Indeed I was...not only folding laundry, fixing lunches and such, I was enjoying my time crafting and it happened to be at night when all were sleeping. However, that was not the truth, it was what I told myself and everyone else.

The fact of the matter (the person in question) who gave my Ah ha moment many years later hit it right on the nail. Yup! I am a human, but, I am nocturnal. Once this person said, some who are very creative as in sketching and painting tend to find the night relaxing. That Ah ha moment was one of the first personal best things I discovered about myself, a defining moment of no more guilt feelings, no more explaining, to anyone!! I was in control of my own feelings for the first time in my life.

What a relief it was to get that monkey off my back who kept saying "Why do you stay up all night?" Kicked the little sucker to the curb! No more explaining to anyone!!

I am proudly Nocturnal and that's the way it is.........x Pamela